


Dreams, Shadows, and Wishful Thinking

by Imogen74



Category: Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Ben loves Rey from afar, But doesn't quite realize it, F/M, Force Ghosts, M/M, Post Rise of Skywalker, Resurrection, Rey is alone, Rey thinks using the Dark Side is suddenly a great idea, ben is dead, rey loves ben
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-12-26
Updated: 2020-01-27
Packaged: 2021-02-26 02:28:42
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 9,764
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21975880
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Imogen74/pseuds/Imogen74
Summary: Rey is alone and lamenting her heart. She misses her friends, but is confused by everything that has happened to her. She decides to use her connection to the Dark Side to engage in "unnatural" practices.
Relationships: Poe Dameron/Finn, Rey/Ben Solo
Comments: 7
Kudos: 12





	1. Chapter 1

It wasn’t that she was despairing. 

It was that she was right back where she started. 

And no one understood, because she couldn’t explain. Not really.

Rey was eating her meal, watching the sun set on Jakku. It had been one month.

One month since she left the Rebels. One month since she returned to her home planet, since there was literally no place for her to go to.

She finished her supper and went inside the hut she was now living in. And she thought that even though she had given balance to the Force, she felt terribly out of sorts. Rey knew why. But she couldn’t think about it…all she could do now was move on.

But where? She felt so stagnant. BB-8 rolled in. “Hey,” she smiled at the droid. It beeped at her…You’re sad still.

“No. I’m not sad,” she hung her head. 

Go see master and Finn.

“I will. But not yet,” and she started to get dressed for bed. “I need some more time, BB. Time to sort out my…” she swallowed. Sort herself out. Because she was a mess.

*********

Dark and cold were her dreams, much as they always were now. She was uneasy and fraught. Her mind was mired with unsettling thoughts when she awoke…of death and of stone and water and ….she stopped. She sat up.

Why couldn’t she let go? It wasn’t like…like…

Rey shook her head and stood. “I need a bath, BB,” and she took some things and left the hut for the watering hole. 

There weren’t many there, it was too early. She slid down the sand dune, smiling as she went. Rey undressed, mostly, and stepped into the cool water. She took her soap and scrubbed. She looked into the sky. 

She really needn’t stay here. She could get on her ship and go. There was nothing to keep her here anymore. 

Maybe she would. It was a big galaxy...she could go somewhere. Get lost. Find herself again. 

She stepped out of the pool and dressed herself. 

Rey drudged up the dune and sighed. She had thought that after a month’s time, she’d be feeling better about things. 

But she wasn’t. She wasn’t.

And she was haunted, but in a much less mysterious way than what she might’ve hoped for.

Rey entered her hut and chided herself. How could she wish that upon her life? To be haunted. How ridiculous.

But she had spoken with Master Luke. With Leia. Perhaps he wasn’t as able to open the seam between life and death. 

Or, she thought, perhaps he did not want to be.

And that’s what hurt.

Rey wanted to be imposed on, for she felt cheated. Cheated out of a something that was indescribable…something that her heart whispered that she wanted. 

Go see Finn, Master Rey. You’re too sad.

She smiled. “I know, I know,” she adjusted its antenna. “He was powerful, BB. He could do almost anything,” she swallowed and looked out of her makeshift hut. “That’s why this hurts.”

**********

She was wasted on Jakku, and she knew it. But sitting here gave her solace. It somehow made sense to stay put, just in case there was a chance he came looking for her. 

But, she also reminded herself, they were connected by the Force, not a geographical location. 

Rey was trying to think of a place to go, or if she should just go to Finn and Poe on Dantooine. She laid on her bed, staring at the ceiling. She had promised Poe that she’d bring BB-8 back to him soon.

She just hadn’t said when, exactly.  
“What do you think, BB? Maybe tomorrow we can travel to Dantooine and see Master?” she smiled.

It felt odd.

Of course, that meant that she’d be all alone. And that, no matter what she told herself, was depressing. 

Rey took a good long while to fall asleep that night. She supposed it mostly had to do with anticipation about leaving the next day. She hadn’t notified them…and if she was being honest, it was because she thought she might cancel her plans last minute. 

At long last, when Jakku’s sun was less than an hour from rising, she dozed off. 

And she was walking. 

It was hot there, wherever she was. She wiped her brow. The ground was soft. It made no sound.  
Further through the overgrowth she went, thinking that she knew the place, but couldn’t really say where she was.  
She moved a low hanging branch and ducked under another one. She heard creatures around her, but she wasn’t frightened. She felt a kindred something tethered to her surroundings.  
There was a thinning of the overgrowth, and she tread on, not knowing where she was going but convinced she was heading the right way.  
And a precipice emerged. She slowed her pace.  
Out into the distance, black clouds were churning. There was a sun peeking out, struggling to be seen. Rey narrowed her gaze.  
“You’re making a mistake.”  
She turned. “Leia,” she smiled.  
“Hello, Rey.”  
“I miss you so much,” she went over to her, but stopped short of taking her hand.  
“I haven’t gone anywhere.”  
“You…” Rey smiled. “You died.”  
“And here I am.”  
She nodded, swallowing. “I’m so confused.”  
“I know. But sometimes confusion can be helpful to make us see.”  
“I don’t know…I don’t know much of anything anymore.”  
Leia’s gaze was sorrowful. “I never knew much. Least of all my son.”  
This stopped Rey. And she looked away, following Leia’s own gaze.

There he was, standing at the edge, watching the sky. 

“Ben,” Rey whispered. 

And she woke with his name on her lips. 

She sat up, rubbing her face. She didn’t remember saying his name at all since she uttered it on Exogol…trying to avoid it. 

Was she asleep when she said it? She couldn’t tell. 

But he had been there, in her dream, even if he wasn’t looking at her. She smiled. “Time to go, BB,” and she stood.


	2. Chapter 2

Rey was packing up her ship. 

She had left the Millennium Falcon on Dantooine…Poe seemed a natural pilot for it. 

She felt some lightness for the first time in a while. Since before she had learned of her heritage. 

But she no longer felt burdened by it. She had shed the name, and had decided that she had to be more than the sum of her parts. She had to be, or else his sacrifice would have been in vain.

Rey wiped a tear from her cheek. 

There had to be a way to reach him. There simply had to be. “BB?” she called. The droid rolled over. She smiled. “Let’s go.”

*********

“Rey said that she was visiting,” Finn was following Poe to their cottage. 

“Did she send her message via Force Mail? Because I heard that wasn’t reliable.”

“Will you stop. She’s gonna be here. And I need to talk to her about all of this,” he sat at their table. 

“All of what, exactly? Us?”

“No,” Finn rolled his eyes. “My connection.”

And Poe widened his eyes. “Right. Have her check on your frequency…”

“What exactly is your problem, anyway? She’s clearly strong with the Force. Why wouldn’t I want to talk to her about all of this?”

Poe didn’t look at him. He was pouring out tea and looking over plans for the building up of Dantooine. “You and Rey have fun making rocks fly. I’ll stay here and get some work done.”

“Whatever,” Finn stood and left the place. He was tired of explaining his newfound connection to the Force with Poe. If he didn’t know better, he’d say that Poe was jealous that he wasn’t connected. 

Finn walked through the overgrowth and sighed. She’d be here any minute, and he wanted to greet her. 

“Hey Finn.”

He turned. “Rose. How are you?” he fell into step next to her. 

“All right,” but she didn’t sound all right. 

“What’s up?” he stopped and looked at her.

“Nothing. I’ve got exciting work to do. I’ve got a nice house. I …”

Finn nodded. 

“I miss you, Finn. I know that you’re busy with Poe. And that’s great, but I miss my friend.”

He smiled at her. “I’m not too busy for my friends, Rose. I promise. I’ll make time for you.” There was then a loud noise coming from the landing station. “I gotta go,” and he left her there.

“Right,” said Rose to herself, and she watched him walk away.

*********

The ship landed with a small thud. Rey was back, and she felt a little conflicted about it. She wanted to see them, to return BB-8 to Poe. But she also had some things to discuss, and she didn’t think that they’d be well received.   
She had never told anyone exactly everything that had happened on Exogol. 

“Finn!” she exclaimed, disembarking from the ship. 

He smiled widely. “Rey. It’s so good to see you,” and he pulled away. 

BB-8 rolled down the ramp. Where’s Master?

Finn looked at her…

“He wants to know where Poe is.”

“Oh. He’s back at the house. Come on,” he took Rey’s hand. “I’ve got so much to talk to you about.”

“Me too,” she said softly.

***********

They were sitting around a fire outside. It had been a wonderful day…laughter, food. And Rey felt a part of something again. They hadn’t talked yet about those things that were hanging over them both…Rey was reticent. She knew that Finn would have objections, and she couldn’t really claim that he was wrong in what she was positive would be his argument. 

There was a lull in the conversation, and Finn cleared his throat. “There’s something I’ve been meaning to talk to you about,” he looked at Rey.

“What is it?” she smiled.

“I …well. I’m…”

“He’s Force sensitive,” blurted out Poe. 

Finn shook his head. “I wanted to tell her.”

“You were taking too long,” Poe downed his drink. “Anyone want more?”

Rey was giggling. “No thanks. I’m fine.”

They watched as Poe went into the little house. And Rey looked at Finn. “That’s great. How do you feel?”

“Weird.”

“Yeah. I get that.”

“I need someone to teach me how to use this…power. I was hoping you’d be able to.”

Her face fell. “Oh…ah,” she smiled. “Of course,” she nodded. “Of course I can help you…in fact, this is good, because I was hoping you’d help me with something.”

“Yeah?” he took a long draught of drink.

“Yes…” she cleared her throat. “I want to commune with a Force Ghost.”

Finn coughed. “A who?”

“Force Ghost. I saw Luke on Ahch-to. When I went there.”

“What?” he replied, incredulous. 

“I was there. And I was ready to leave everything…but Luke came to me as a Force ghost, and he talked to me. Convinced me to stay and be a part of the fight…of the healing,” she paused. “Except that I haven’t been a part of anything recently.”

Finn regarded her with sad eyes, as though he was trying see through her, ascertain her true meaning. “Ok? So you want to talk to Luke Skywalker. You want to…what? Summon him?” he smiled.

“I’m not sure how that works. I need to find out.”

“How are you going to find out?”

Her gaze fell. She wasn’t being completely truthful with him, and that bothered her. But she found she wasn’t as ready as she thought she was to be truthful. “With your help.”

“My help,” he repeated. “Rey, I just found out that I’ve got this connection. How am I going to help you?”

“We’ll figure it out,” she smiled.

***********

Rey was situated in their spare room. Although the house, if you could call it a house, wasn’t terribly big, it was larger than her hut on Jakku. Of course, most things were bigger than her house on Jakku. 

She was biting her thumb nail, looking out into the dark wild of the forest. She closed her eyes. “Be with me,” she whispered. 

“He can’t.”

She turned. “Master Luke,” she smiled. 

Luke Skywalker was standing in her bedroom with her. “It’s a mistake, Rey.”

“What do you mean?”

“I know what you’re trying to do, and it’s a mistake.”

She swallowed. “Do you know where he is? Have you seen him?”

“I haven’t. But I know that he’s in between.”

“In between? What does that mean?” she took a step toward him.

“In between the Force…hovering.”Rey shook her head. “Master Luke, I need to see him again. He saved my life. Sacrificed himself so that I might live.”

“And that act saved him. But it’s too soon. He needs time.”

“I don’t understand,” her voice cracked. 

“Just…leave well enough alone, Rey,” and he disappeared.

“Well enough? I’m anything but well enough,” she muttered. “I’m miserable,” and she sat on her bed. Part of her didn’t understand why she was so sad…if anything, their relationship had been a mess if not downright abusive. She had literally killed him.   
Then brought him back.

But that was Kylo Ren, and that’s not who saved her. That’s not who reached out through time and space to talk to her when she had been afraid and vulnerable. He was a different person…two people, really. 

Rey laid back and sighed. She’d need to find Maz and talk to her about things. She had a feeling that Maz knew things…all sorts of things. And if she could reach him, Maz would know how.

She closed her eyes. 

…and she was in the stadium. It was a ruin, after the thing she had done. She had destroyed it…  
She was cold. Dark seemed to press in on her.   
Rey was looking around. She sensed a presence there.   
And there he was, laying on the stone floor. “Ben…” she went over to him, knelt next to him and took his hand. “Ben,” she said again.   
He looked at her, his eyes hollow. “Rey,” he squeezed her hand.   
She smiled broadly. “It’s so good to see you… I’m sorry that I couldn’t…” she swallowed. “That I couldn’t save you.”  
He smiled very slightly. “You did, though.”  
She shook her head. “I’m going to find you. I’m going to. And we…” she wiped her face. “We will be all right. It’ll be all right.”  
“Be careful. It’s not…” he stopped, looking at her intently.  
“What?”  
But he disappeared.   
“Ben!” she shouted.

Rey woke in a pant. These dreams were getting to be too much. She needed a reprieve, if only for her own mind. 

Tomorrow she’d speak with Finn more bluntly about leaving to see Maz.

************

He heard her come downstairs as he fiddled with the burners. “You hungry?”

“Not yet, no,” she took some bread from the table. “Where’s Finn?”

“Outside,” Poe turned to look at her. “What’s going on, Rey?”

“Sorry?”

“There’s something going on. I’m not stupid.”

She stared at him. “I don’t…” and she narrowed her gaze, shook her head.

“You know what he’s talked about almost constantly for the entirety of our relationship?”

She shook her head. 

“You.”

“Poe…”

“Yeah. And now you’re here, and I don’t know what’s going on, and I can’t stand it,” he swallowed. “I love him, Rey. But I’ve always felt like I’ve come second to him. And that’s killing me,” he brushed passed her, leaving the house. 

“Shit,” she muttered. This wasn’t what she wanted at all. Rey went outside to see Poe walking through the thick trees and Finn standing by the fire pit holding a rock in mid air with his power. “Finn…can we talk?”

The rock fell. “Sure. What’s up?” he sat on a chair they had plaid by the pit. 

“I know who we need to see. What we need to do.”

He raised his eyebrows. 

“Maz.”

“Maz,” he repeated.

Rey nodded. “She knows so much. And I think she can help me…us,” she corrected. “She’s the only one left who I think can. And,” she added. “We need to bring Poe with us.”

“Sure ok. But you really think that Maz Kanata can help? I mean…I wouldn’t call her helpful, exactly.”

“How long ago did she leave the base?”

He shrugged. “Couple of weeks ago.”

“Then she’s back on Takodana, and she will be willing to help me,” Rey said this almost to herself. 

Finn nodded. “All right. And you want Poe to come.”

She snapped herself out of it. “Yes,” she smiled. “Will he want to come?”

“I think so,” he looked down and picked up a twig. “There’s something you’re not telling me. I can feel it.”

Rey swallowed. She cleared her throat. She didn’t like not being completely forthright with Finn…but there was so much that he didn’t know. So much had happened…She never told him about the connection she had shared with Kylo Ren. Never told him how he had asked her to join him on some dark throne. Never said how she had killed him and then brought him back, and certainly never admitted to kissing Ben Solo. “I’ll tell you, I promise.”

“No. You need to tell me now, before I agree to help you with anything,” his face held conviction. 

She searched his face, then nodded, swallowing and sighing. “Finn…there’s something that …no. There’s a lot I haven’t told you, but it’s all connected. All related.”

“Go on,” he nodded. 

“Will you promise not to judge me?”

He furrowed his brow. “All right,” and he shifted in his seat. 

She licked her lips. “When I was on Ahch-to, I …felt a connection.”

Finn nodded. “With Luke. When he was alive,” he offered.

She nodded. “And this Force connection grew. It would call to me in a powerful way. It was the Dark Side of the Force. And I was drawn to it. I followed it, even, once or twice. I wanted to discover who my parents were, because I hardly remembered them, but it kept showing me someone else,” she paused a moment. “And this someone would come to me, and they’d talk…we’d,” she corrected. “Talk. And I grew to understand them, and how conflicted they were. They were struggling with a connection they felt…being pulled by the Dark and the Light, same as I was. The more I knew them, the more I felt connected to them. And I went to them, after I left Ahch-to…I tried to convince them to follow the Light. But it didn’t work, and they went even further to the Dark.”

His face was stoic. He barely moved.

Rey stood and started to pace. “And I felt their despair. I felt how conflicted they were, but I couldn’t reach them. Finally, I saw them. And they…we fought. We fought time and again. When we reached the Death Star, they were there. And I killed them.”

She looked at Finn. His eyes were wide.

“…and then I saved them,” she said softly. “Finn. I can heal people,” she looked at her hands. “I can heal them with the Force.”

He said nothing.

“They survived. And the next time I saw them, they were on Exogol, and fought Palpatine with me. And I died. And they…” she stopped. 

“You died?”

She nodded.

“You were dead,” he stood.

“Yes.”

“Rey…”

“Finn. Do you know who I’m talking about?”

“I hope it’s not Kylo Ren.”

She smiled. “No. This person was not Kylo Ren. Finn…” she went over to him and took his hands. “He saved my life. He sacrificed himself for me. Ben Solo died, so that I might live.”

Finn swallowed, staring at her.

“And I want to find his ghost. Because he needs to know…”

“Know what?” he breathed.

She looked at him. “Everything.”


	3. Chapter 3

“Why are we going to Takodana again?” Poe was flying the Falcon, a bit surly. Not because he was flying the ship, but because Finn had pretty much told him he was going.   
And he didn’t argue, he just went. Because he wanted to be with him. 

“To see Maz,” replied Rey.

“To get her to help Rey,” added Finn. “She wants to ask some questions about Force Ghosts.”

“Why? Aren’t you able to train Finn?”

Rey glanced at Finn. “It’s complicated.”

“Always is with you Jedi’s.”

Rey snickered. She felt bad…she thought that Finn should have been more forthright with Poe, but it wasn’t her business. And she didn’t want to complicate things, especially since Finn had willingly decided to help her, which she couldn’t believe. She was certain that he’d have loads of things to say, but when it came to it, all he said was “Ok, Rey.”

Takodana came into view as they popped into the atmosphere. It was just as green as she remembered; lush, with blue sections of water. They landed, and she disembarked. Maz’s castle was towering not far off, and she smiled. The Pirate Queen knew how to live, thought Rey as they walked up to the place. 

They entered and a fury of sound enveloped them. She scanned the place in search of the tiny Maz. 

“I’ll go get some drinks,” said Poe. 

Neither Rey nor Finn answered, but he nodded absently. Poe shrugged and went to the bar. 

“I don’t see her,” Finn said, looking around. 

“She’s here,” Rey said it more to herself than to anyone, attempting to convince herself that Maz was there. 

…and there she was. Rey smiled and approached her. “Hi Maz.”

The ancient woman looked up at Rey. “Well. I knew you’d be coming in,” she smiled.

“Did you?” she said somewhat incredulously. 

“Of course. You lost something.”

She looked at Maz, at first a bit disbelieving. “I did,” she whispered.

She looked at Rey up and down. “Yes. And I wonder what it is that you actually want.”

She swallowed and felt Finn’s energy side up next to her. “I …” 

“We want to speak with a Force Ghost.”

“Ah…but does the ghost want to speak with you?”

Rey looked at her, a crease in her brow. Was it possible that he didn’t want to speak with her? It certainly was, she thought. Maybe he was happy where he was. Maybe he had nothing to say to her.   
Maybe, no matter what Rey told herself, he had not really turned, and if he hadn’t, he couldn’t be a Force Ghost. Maybe he did what he did out of a strange compulsion at the end of his life. “I don’t know,” she answered truthfully. “Maybe not.”

“It is difficult to reach someone who does not want to be reached, whether dead or alive.”

This certainly wasn’t what Rey had wanted to hear. She believed, without any doubt, that he had not been ready to die, and that he wanted to speak to her. “How do you know if someone wants to speak with you?”

“They come to you, Rey. You cannot go searching for them.”

She swallowed, then nodded, and turned to Finn. “Go find Poe. We can leave soon.”

“I’m sorry,” he said softly, but it sounded a bit insincere. 

She watched him go, then turned again to Maz, and smiled. “Thank you.”

Rey left the castle and headed toward the wood. The forest where she had first encountered Kylo Ren. She walked up the soft slope and breathed deeply. Perhaps she could move on. She felt stagnant and dull…she had since this all ended. It was like running in place. 

Rey picked up a stick and swatted at the ground. Maybe she could leave with them, then get her own ship and head out into parts unknown….explore the Outer Rim of the galaxy. There was an entire universe begging to be toured. 

She slid down into a crevice in the floor, and looked up into the canopy of trees. She smiled. 

“You aren’t trying.”

Her gaze snapped from above and saw Kylo Ren standing in front of her, lightsaber drawn. “What?” she backed up a pace.

“You aren’t thinking clearly,” and he withdrew the saber, then put it into his sheath. Ren took off his helmet. “Think, Rey.”

She shook her head. “I don’t understand.”

He dropped his helmet. “What did I tell you? You need to let the past die.”

“You didn’t want to die,” she breathed.

“How can you know that?”

“Because…I saw it. I saw it in your face. In Ben’s face.”

“Ben Solo was weak. That’s why he died.”

“You’re not real,” she said, a hint of doubt in her voice.

“Maybe Ben wasn’t real, either,” and he disappeared. 

She exhaled, unaware that she had been holding her breath. And a tear ran down her cheek.

***************

They decided to stay at the castle for the night, mostly because Poe didn’t feel like flying back so soon. He said it’d be fun to hang out with a different group for a bit. 

She had drank a bit too much, and was feeling the effects. She didn’t want to go to bed…Finn and Poe had gone up already. It was a good thing Maz had room to spare at the castle, she thought.

Rey sat there, staring into space.

It hadn’t been real. It had been her own mind voicing its own doubts. But...maybe she had been mistaken, and that wasn’t Ben at all…maybe she was reading what she wanted into her experience. 

She downed the drink deeply and sighed. 

“No use in drinking your despair, child,” Maz sat across from her at the table.

“I’m not despairing.”

“No? I’ve seen a lot of people in my life, and some of them looked like you look. And all of those people were in despair.”

She barely smiled a response. “Thanks, Maz,” and she stood. “We’ll be leaving tomorrow.”

Rey walked away and slowly made her way to the room across from Finn and Poe. She thought about knocking, just to not be alone, but figured they wouldn’t be too keen on her company. 

She opened the door and sat on the bed. It wasn’t terribly comfortable; she ghosted her fingertips over the top sheet thinking. Well, even if it was a complete waste of time, they got away for a night. Got to visit with Maz for a bit. That was something. 

She sighed very deeply and rubbed her face. Why did she want to see him so badly? It really didn’t make sense. Rey laid back in the bed and looked at the ceiling.

She must have fallen asleep, though she couldn’t remember doing it. 

When Rey opened her eyes, it was still dark and there was a chill to the air.

'Rey…'  
“What?” she breathed. She sat up, looking around. 

She stood, a touch unsteadily, and picked up her wrap. Rey padded through the hall and down the steps. 

There was a small light by the bar flickering in the darkness. She tiptoed over to see someone sitting at the bar.   
“Han.”

He turned and smiled at her. “Hey there.”

“You’re not a ….”

“Force Ghost,” he supplied. “No. I’m not.”

Rey sat next to him. “Then what are you?”

He shrugged, smirking. “I’m here to tell you to not give up.”

“To not give up?” she repeated, brow furrowed. 

“Yeah. Maz…she only kinda knows what’s going on. Generally speaking,” he added. “You know what you’re doing. Trust that.”

“Do I? It doesn’t feel like I know.”

“You saw my son before he left…you saw him, as he was meant to be. You know, Rey. Trust that.”

She shook her head. “I don’t know, Han. I thought that I knew.”

He turned fully toward her. “It won’t be easy, and some of it won’t feel right. But you have it in you to correct the things that went wrong, and you should. The universe had let Ben down so much, it would be great to see something go his way.”

“I can make it right? How?”

“Think. Deep down, you know,” he smiled ever so slightly.

She stared at him.

And then she was sitting on her bed…and she didn’t know how she got there, or if that conversation had been real, or a dream. Or a shadow of a dream.

But she suddenly thought she knew what Han Solo was talking about, and though it rather terrified her, she knew what she had to do.

She just wasn’t sure she could, or should, do it.

Her dreams anymore were so real. They were littered with feelings of helplessness and other things that were very real to her current state of mind. He certainly seemed real, but so much had seemed real…she just wasn’t sure anymore. 

Which was why she was beginning to doubt what she had seen that day on Exegol. 

Rey swallowed, and suddenly felt quite sleepy.

She laid back, and closed her eyes, falling asleep. 

*************

There was a banging on her door, and she opened her eyes slowly. Rey flipped onto her back and sat up, rubbing her eyes. She stood and went to the door, opening it. 

Poe was there. 

“Hi,” she said.

“We need to talk,” and he brushed passed her into the room.

“Come in,” she said, somewhat sarcastically.

He turned to her. “What are we doing here, Rey?”

“To ask Maz…”

“No,” he advanced on her. “Finn isn’t telling me. He keeps saying to ask you. So I’m asking you.”

She nodded. “Poe…” she wrapped her arms around herself, sighing. “I’m here to see if there’s a way to speak with Ben Solo.”

“Ben Solo? You mean Kylo Ren?”

Rey shrugged. “He saved my life. I died on Exogol. He gave his Life Force so that I might live.”

“Kylo Ren saved your life,” he said, disbelieving.

“Yeah…but more like…” she swallowed, dropped her gaze, then went to the window to look out into the verdant tableau. “More like, he resurrected me. He gave his own life in exchange for mine,” she turned back. “And I want to know why. I have some ideas, but I want to ask him.”

He stared at her, mouth agape. “Yeah. We’re not staying here anymore, Rey. When you’re ready to do some real work, come back. In the meantime, Finn needs to concentrate on honing his Force connection. He can’t be bothered communing with the dead,” he went to the door. 

She took his elbow. “I wasn’t going to keep you here. In fact, I was ready to leave.”

“Are you ready to leave?” he looked at her intently.

And she thought of her dream, and everything that Han had said to her. “Almost.”

“Right. Well, you know where we’ll be,” and he left with a click of the door.

She stood there a moment, not really knowing how to react. Should she run after him? Should she just let them go…?   
This was her journey, after all. 

But she didn’t want to do this alone. It was too much…and even though she knew it was selfish, she felt compelled to ask them to stay. She opened the door.

“You shouldn’t,” Maz was standing there.

“Shouldn’t what?” Rey was unfazed by her presence.

“I know what you want to do…you want to stop them, and you want to find him.”

She blinked, then nodded. “Is it possible?”

“Ah, child, there is more in the heavens than are dreamt of in your mind.”

“What does that mean?” asked Rey softly.

“If you want to, the Dark Side can help…with a touch of grey,” Maz entered her room and sat down. “Shadowy parts of the galaxy can get you what you want,” she sat. “If you are set toward the Light, then follow your friends and build anew. Some would say, ‘Let the past die.’ It’s not unwise to do so.”

“Is there only the Light? No grey?”

“On your path, child, there is grey. No matter what.”

Rey nodded. “I’m not sure what I want anymore. It’s so…” she paused. “Nebulous.”

“You know, Rey. You’re not here to ask ‘What,’ you’re here to ask ‘How.’ And if you think about it, and I think you’re ready, I’ll give you some answers to your how,” Maz stood. 

“You will?” she breathed, watching her with her eyes. 

“I will. But make up your mind quickly…your friends are leaving as we speak,” and she left. 

Rey fixed herself and ran to the door and out. There were Finn and Poe with their packs, heading to the stairs. “Finn!” she called, and reached them. “Hey,” she panted, looking at both of them. 

“Rey…” Finn smiled. “Are you coming?”

“I need some answers, Finn. So not yet. But I promise I’ll be back before I go anywhere else and start your training. I’ll get a ship here and head straight to you,” she nodded. 

“How long?” asked Finn.

“Not too long. Maz just said that she’s helping me. Probably a few days.”

Finn looked at Poe. 

And Poe rolled his eyes. “A few days,” he said, looking at them both. 

“Promise,” said Rey. 

He shook his head, “Come on. Let’s ask Maz for two more nights,” he looked at Rey. “And then we’re leaving, no matter what.”

“Deal,” she smiled widely, and took Finn’s hand. “You don’t need to stay.”

“I know,” he said. “But you’re my friend, and I want to. Besides, something tells me I’ll be able to learn from whatever you’re going to do,” he went back to their room while Poe walked downstairs.

Rey felt a twinge of guilt. She knew that if Finn knew she’d be dabbling with Dark forces he’d disapprove. Possibly leave. And she wouldn’t be able to argue with him…or hide it. 

She hoped that all of this was worth it, and that she had been right about Ben Solo. Otherwise, she likely lost two friends.

And perhaps even more.


	4. Chapter 4

She knew where she needed to go, but was hesitant to go there. The last time she had went, she had been terrified of what she had seen. 

And she wasn’t positive that it would actually work this time, anyway. 

Rey went to her room and clicked the door shut. She got her lightsaber and wrapped herself up warm. She sighed, thinking about going down to the basement and facing that room…though Luke’s lightsaber was buried. It was possible she wouldn’t see anything at all.

And there was a part of her that honestly didn’t want to. 

She waited there until Finn came and told her that there was food in the dining area for them, and finally got up and went downstairs. She felt some reticence, but went down anyway. Her waffling about had embarrassed her, and she wanted to save face. 

Dinner had been fine…they made casual conversation and Rey felt good about things. She thought these next two days could prove to be fruitful if she was wily. 

“So things are progressing nicely on Endor?” Maz smiled.

“They’re progressing,” said Poe. “Things are slow going…the galaxy is in some disarray.”

Rey’s gaze dropped. She should be helping them rebuild instead of chasing a ghost who may not want to be caught. “It’ll get better,” she said softly.

He looked at her. “I hope you’re right.”

“Everything ebbs and flows,” began Maz. “There will always be tyrants to resist as long as there are those who are unwilling to stand up to them.”

And this did nothing to assuage her guilt. Rey made up her mind then…if nothing comes of her time here, she’d give it up. Help where she could, then go home. She felt like she was being selfish. 

“We do what we can,” Maz nodded.

Rey smiled a bit, then quickly cleared her throat. “I’m tired,” and she stood. 

“Oh,” Finn stood too. “All right. We’ll see you in the morning.”

Rey turned and went upstairs. She’d wait for a bit before heading to the bowels of the place. She went to her room and closed the door. She felt incredible conflict in her mind…what was she doing, anyway? Every time she thought she had things figured out…every time she felt some sort of resolve, she’d experience something to make her doubt it. It was unnerving, to say the least. 

And she had no idea how to deal with it.

She sat on the bed and rubbed her face. 

Was this how he had felt all the time? Constantly pulled in one direction, and then the other? She felt as though she’d surely go mad. 

But there was nothing to be done, since she honestly had no idea if what she was attempting was the “right” thing. Part of her thought that her selfishness knew no limit. 

The other part thought that she was, in fact, doing the right thing. He didn’t want to die. 

No. 

He absolutely did not. 

Rey was so beside herself with her quandary that she didn’t notice the darkness fall. She wished that Maz would be more explicit in her advice…she was maddeningly vague. And though she offered to help her, there was more than a bit of hesitance in her promise. Rey sat up from her bed and looked outside. 

It appeared that darkness had long fallen. 

She got up and slid her boots on and her wrap. Rey walked to her door and paused only a moment when she passed Finn and Poe’s room. She wanted to do this, but she had to admit that she was nervous. 

But she couldn’t rightly say what she was nervous about, exactly.

She was too far inside her own head. 

She held the iron railing tightly as she walked down the stairs, more to steady herself and keep a grip on her own thoughts than anything. She shook slightly.

And, truth be known, she was worried.   
Rey descended into the basement, and turned left. The place where she had been shown the lightsaber was on the left…just there. She swallowed and walked gingerly to the room where Maz hoarded all sorts of treasures. 

She pushed open the door, looking at the floor as she did so. It was heavier than she remembered, and cold. 

Her eyes adjusted, her nose filled with a musty scent. 

And there was a flickering light…a candle, in the far corner of the room. 

“Ben,” she whispered. Rey walked over to the light…and there was Ben Solo, hunched by it, staring at it, expressionless.

“Ben,” she said again, but louder. 

He looked at her this time, and his face slowly seemed to register her identity. “Rey,” it was the first time he’d said her name as Ben. He stood now.

She smiled and closed the space between them slightly. “It’s so good to see you.”

“What am I doing here? I don’t remember…”

She swallowed. “I’m not sure. But I was hoping to see you.”

“You summoned me here?”

“No. I just…I was looking for you.”

He searched her face. “It’s a confusing thing for me. All of this. Where I’ve been and what I’ve seen…and I was looking for something I’d lost, and then I was here…” he looked around. “Where are we?”

“Maz Kanata’s castle.”

“Why?” his brow furrowed. 

“Well, that’s where I am,” she shrugged. “You might be somewhere else. But I wanted…I wanted to see you, Ben. There’s a few things I need to ask you about.”

He was distracted by their surroundings, and his eyes roamed the room. “What?”

“Why did you save my life? Why did you turn to the Light?”

He looked at her now. “This isn’t real.”

“What?”

“This isn’t real. This is in my head,” he turned to look at her fully. “It’s happened before. You’re a memory.”

“No, I’m real,” and she went to take his hand. 

He snatched it away. “I can’t let you do that.”

“Why?”

“Because it hurts. It hurts that nothing happens. You reach out, but your hand never reaches mine…” his voice broke a bit.

“Ben,” she breathed. “Why did you save my life?”

“I didn’t want to leave,” he began to pace. “I didn’t know what else to do. And I’m looking for something, but I can’t find it,” he hissed, and rubbed his face. 

Rey went to him and took his forearm in hers. 

He gasped, and his eyes jumped to hers. He didn’t say anything…

“Where are you?”

“On an island. Green, rough terrain…” his face suddenly held a faraway look. “It’s like I’m there but not quite.”

She swallowed. Could he be on Ach-to? Existing there, in between? “Ben. I’ll find you, all right? I’ll come for you.”

He looked at her, focusing on her face. “You’ve said that, too,” and he took a step back.

She exhaled unsteadily. “Look at me,” she pleaded. “Ben, look at me.”

He raised his gaze from the floor. 

“I’ll come for you. I promise. I’ll leave tomorrow,” she paused. “Are you in pain or anything?”“No. Just cold.”

Rey nodded. “I’m coming for you,” she breathed. 

He turned away from her, then walked over to the tiny candle and squatted once more. The light illuminated his face…

…and he was alone again. 

He had been alone forever. Or at least a day. 

And he didn’t remember much…he had felt as though he was falling asleep, and when he opened his eyes, he was in a place he didn’t recognize. He had no idea how he had gotten there. 

But he wasn’t angry. He wasn’t scared.

He was mostly just sad. 

He saw his mother once. Luke. They appeared to him. But they always left quickly, as though his presence was dangerous.

And there was a part of him that couldn’t blame them. He had been Kylo Ren, and it had been his job to intimidate. Even if he didn’t want to intimidate his own mother. 

Yet that all seemed to be gone now. And he wasn’t certain what was left. Ben Solo had been suppressed for so long that he hardly recognized him. He had resurrected him somewhat, but he could never be that person again. 

Though it seemed doubtful that he was anything. Part of him wondered if he was a ghost…but then he couldn’t leave with Luke or his mother. 

He was trapped on this island. 

And there was a Tree, burned beyond reasonable recognition, that seemed to hold something of his. And it was there that he went, lit that small fire, and then saw Rey.

The something was forever tugging at him, and he couldn’t shake it. He didn’t know what to do, but he also wasn’t worried. He felt as though he’d understand eventually, and that was fine with him. 

What was bothering him most was the frequent appearances of Rey.

That, and how cold he always was.

He’d see her frequently enough, but she was never looking at him. Never would she speak with him. He’d see her smile, hear her laugh, but no matter what he did, he couldn’t reach her. That’s why it was so odd that she finally did.   
When he was just outside the hollowed-out tree.

He had no idea who Maz Kanata was, but Rey seemed like she knew this person was and knew them well. Why was she there? 

Why could he finally speak with her?

Was she real?

He had chased her, seeing her, trying to reach her. Never, not once, did she respond. 

But he had had a conversation with her, though he couldn’t be certain that he had been making any sense; it had been so long since he had spoken with anyone. 

And she was coming for him. 

Ben looked at the sky. It churned grey clouds. 

She said she was coming for him.

And he believed her, for of anyone could, Rey could.

*******

She watched as he disappeared into the darkness. Her breath came fast. 

She wasn’t sure what had just happened, but she had seen him. Spoken with him. 

This was, undoubtedly, something. Perhaps it was what she had been hoping for. 

Was he on Ach-To?

She turned and left the room, practically running up the stairs. She wouldn’t wake Finn or Poe, but they’d leave in the morning, they’d head back to Endor, and she would leave for Ach-To on her own ship. 

She’d find him. She would.

“Does he want to be found?”

Rey turned. “Maz.”

“Hello, child.”

“What do you mean ‘does he want to be found’? I just spoke with him. He does.” She didn’t mean to have that accusatory tone to her voice, but it slipped out, anyway.

Maz smiled. “He may not know what he wants. He may be conflicted yet.”

Rey’s mouth set. “Are you keeping your promise to help me or not?”

Maz sighed softly. “Come here, young Rey,” and she walked over to the bar and took something from behind it. “This is the book of the Sith,” she handed it to her. “Palpatine believed he to be the sole owner of it. He was wrong,” she smirked.

“What do I do with it?” Rey opened it and touched the front page softly. “Besides read it,” she amended.

“There are things in there about the Force…things that should be left well alone. But,” and Maz walked back around to her. “I can tell that you’re not to be deterred. If you want to find him, speak with him in real time…this will tell you how.”

“You won’t show me?” Rey looked at Maz with a critical eye.

“No, child. It’s not something that I think I should do. Even though I know I told you I’d help you…I am old. And as I reflected on it more, I decided that this is the best way to proceed.”

She shrugged. “All right. Thank you. I’ll…” she wanted to say that she’d read it, but it suddenly occurred to her what she was holding in her hands. “Thank you.”

Maz nodded. “Good luck to you, child.”

Rey watched as she went upstairs. 

…and the book felt like it was humming in her hands.


	5. Chapter 5

“I'm glad we’re getting out of there, honestly,” Poe said as they shot into light speed. “It wasn’t a great place.”

“It wasn’t a bad place,” replied Finn. 

Rey smiled. She had told them that morning that she wanted to leave, and they were completely fine with it. In fact, they both seemed almost relieved. They shot into Endor’s atmosphere. “Here we are,” she said, getting up and leaving the Millennium Falcon rather quickly. 

Finn and Poe looked at each other. “Something is up with her,” said Finn.

“I think you ought to leave it alone. Let her figure it out,” he turned switches off and went to power down the rest of the ship. 

Finn sighed very deeply. He didn’t like the fact that Poe was right. Finn stood and left the ship, scanned the immediate area half-looking for Rey, then started to walk to the command center. 

*****

She was sitting on the edge of a valley, high atop a precipice. Rey held the book of the Sith in her lap, almost afraid to open it. No, she was afraid. What would she be starting if she opened it? Could she ever close it again? 

She looked down at it. Perhaps she’d go to Ahch-To and read it there. She hated that she was still so vacillated about the whole thing. Rey had always been a decisive person, but this thing made her doubt so much. 

She supposed it was a gamble. And no matter which way she looked at it, the potential for a disastrous outcome presented.

She ghosted her fingers across the cover written in a language foreign to her eyes.  
Would she even be able to read it? 

She looked out into the expanse. There was more to the heavens and Endor where she rested her feet now. And to the Force which bound it all. And if she knew anything, it was that things were seldom good or bad, and people less so. It was the value that everyone placed on things that gave them those labels, and absolutes made them dangerous. 

Rey sighed. Was she making excuses? Possibly. She didn’t know anymore. She didn’t know what she wanted. She didn’t know how to figure it out.

She felt lost and burdened with knowledge…and he was the only one who understood. So what she was thinking about doing was, indeed, selfish. No matter what she told herself. 

She stood and looked at the book to her side with a glance.   
And she turned to go back to Finn and Poe’s house.

*****

“You’re leaving?”

She looked at Finn. “Yes. But I’ll be back.”

“When? How could you? I thought that you were going to help me…that we were helping each other.”

“I know Finn, and I’m sorry. It’s just that…” she was going to Ahch-To and she wanted to go alone. Even though she had convinced him and Poe to go to Maz’s with her, and said that she’d train him. She was awful. “I don’t know how long I’ll be gone. But if you want to come, and be away for an undetermined amount of time…”

Finn stole a look at Poe, who had gone pale. “That doesn’t seem like it will work,” he said softly.

She felt her face go hot. She really was being so selfish. “Well…what if I…?”

“Stop, Rey. I’m sick of you trying to fit me into your life,” Finn stood. “I thought that we were friends, but it always feels like I’m chasing you.”

“Finn…I …” but what could she say? If she were honest, he was right. She was opportunistic when it came to their friendship. And that wasn’t fair. So she nodded and stood. “I’m leaving tomorrow.” And she left them there. 

******

She burst through Ahch-To’s atmosphere in her tiny ship. She was completely alone…and she thought that after all of the mess with Finn and Poe, and even Maz, it was for the best. She disembarked with her bag of clothes, lightsaber, and Sith book. She walked up to the huts she had stayed in when she trained here with Luke and chose one, careful not to take Luke’s. She thought that might be just too strange. 

There was a deep chill on the island, her breath misted as she made her bed with what she had brought as well as a few things littered about the place. She walked outside and breathed deeply. There were some porgs scattered, eating something together. She smiled, and thought it had been some time since she had. 

“All right, Ben,” she said softly, then turned, and went back into the hut. Rey picked up the Sith book and opened it. 

It was written in two different dialects. ur-Kittât, which Rey didn’t know, and the Common Tongue. 

The Book of Sith  
A Sith‘s power is not in his hands, nor feet, nor body  
  
A Sith‘s power is in his power   
  
As a cocoon it is  
Yet is only one butterfly, and plenty of serpent  
The cocoon is power and power a Sith  
A Sith is at one with power, therefore as well with truth, then nature  
The serpent do squirm and pass, yet also does the cocoon stirring with itself, soon yet never that  
which is destined  
So as the Sith cry forth their mighty grip and blow  
The weak masses do cry, and a swift voice reply, ―It is so!  
Red do they see so black do they grow, and so knowledge of the shadow many shall never know,  
even past an opposing great blow  
Stagnation, an end?  
THE WINDSWEPT MOUNTAIN:  
Stability, that is what one searches for  
Enlightened and unenlightened alike; the driving force of religion  
Yet the only constant is instability  
The enlightened seek not their drive from this fact, rather the beyond  
The Sith way, as conflict a blinding light of truth  
There is neither stability nor instability, there is enlightenment and unenlightenment  
Only is there the windswept mountain

There was something powerful and simple in this, and Rey, though she was loathe to admit it, felt as though there were truth in it. 

But if she had learned anything, it was that things were not always clearly one thing. Things were not wholly good, nor wholly bad. 

She read on, long into the night. And she wasn’t finding anything that might lead her to the answers she was looking for regarding Ben.

Rey fell asleep when the sun was in full height in the sky. She got up, rubbing her eyes, and feeling sore from the odd position she had been in for so long. 

She sighed and pulled some clothes on to stave off the chill of the island. Out she walked, noticing some of the porgs perched on the cliffside. Some of the Lanai were mulling about, appearing to be waiting for Rey to emerge. She didn’t speak to them, but kept walking. She headed for the burned out tree of the Jedi. 

It was white from the burn…its tentacles expanding on the ground, in the ground, roots exposed like nerves in the earth. She stepped over them, heading directly for the tree, not really knowing what she was doing. 

She walked in, and sound was sucked from the air. Her breath hitched and she looked around. Where the Jedi texts had laid, an empty alter now stood. It seemed hollow, beyond what the tree itself was. Rey touched the alter and felt a shiver down her spine.

“The books still exist, you know.”

She turned. “Master Luke!” she gasped, smiling. 

“Yoda didn’t let all of them burn, even though he made it seem like he was going to.”

“Yoda did this?” she looked around.“Oh yes. He is something, Yoda.”

Rey smiled slightly. “What are you doing here?”

Luke sighed. “I know that you are experiencing some doubts. Some…decisions.”

“Are you here to talk me out of it?”

“What it are you referring to?”

She shifted. “I want to speak with him. With Ben. As he is.”

“As opposed to…?” his brow creased.

“A shadow.”

“Maybe that’s all he wants to show you, Rey. You can’t ask something of him that he isn’t willing to give.”

“He’s dead,” she spat. “He died for me. For. Me,” she pointed at herself. “And I can’t live with it.”

“You’re angry.”

“Think so?” she turned away. “None of this is fair, Luke. None of it.”

“Actually, most of it is. You saved everything, Rey Skywalker. Everything…”

“Except for him,” she turned again, tears falling down her face. 

“No. Ben too. You brought him back…after I had chased him away.”

“He didn’t want to die.”

“How do you know that?”

She swallowed. That was the thing, wasn’t it? She didn’t know for certain. “I’m doing it.”

“You’re going to use the Dark Side to summon him back.”

She stopped. “Summon him back?”

“Of course. You already spoke with him. He’s not a Force Ghost…he’s stuck. And the only way to truly speak with him is to bring him back.”

Her face glazed over. Is that what she wanted? To bring him back? She had been thinking that she’d speak with him…tell him…things. Give them both peace and closure.

But now there were other possibilities open to her. If she brought him back, what would that mean? Would he be wholly Ben Solo, or would she be resurrecting Kylo Ren, too? What would it mean for the balance of the Force to bring someone back? “When you say he’s ‘stuck,’ what does that mean?”

“It means he’s in between. He’s dead, but he stopped somehow.”

“Then he needs to come back! He can’t just stay stopped.”

“You’ll say what you need to say to convince yourself,” and Luke turned to leave. “You’ve made up your mind.”

“And you didn’t? You made up your mind about a lot when you were alive even when things weren’t going your way.”

Luke turned. “Be careful, Rey. Be careful…your mind is going to get you into trouble if your words don’t.”

“Why? I shouldn’t bring him back? Is that what you were going to say?”

“You’re going to do what you’re going to do. Sith have been playing with life and death long before you were even thought of,” he turned again.

She watched as he walked down the island and disappeared. He essentially just called her a Sith, and she should be outraged. “I’m no Sith,” she said to no one.

It didn’t matter. It was all over…she had ended it. Jedi. Sith. The Emperor…

But if she read the Book of the Sith, and read how to resurrect someone, would that make her a Sith? Would that doom Ben before he came back? 

Did she care?

Rey ran her hands over her face. It was all so awful…but she couldn’t shake the idea of speaking with Ben Solo for the first time. She wanted it more than she could express. 

But could she work with Dark forces to accomplish it? Hadn’t she already chosen that path when she took the book from Maz? 

Rey walked back up to the hut and opened the door; the Book of the Sith was laying open on her bed. She went over to it and touched it. It felt warm to her fingertips. 

And she knew what she must do without thinking. She scooped up the book and left, heading for the bowels of the island…the Dark beneath it that always called to her…the pool where she had fallen.

She worked her way down to the pool, the mouth at the center of Ach-To. She gripped the book in her hands, clutching it to her chest. 

Rey approached the mouth and knelt before it, the mossy entrance slick with slime and grit and age. She slipped into the mouth and fell, not screaming this time, and landed in the pool. She was freezing as she swam to the edge, still holding tight to the book. She climbed out and sat dripping at the edge, ignoring the mirrored wall behind her. 

She opened it to where she thought she had left off, but she didn’t recognize the title of the segment.

A scientific journal by Darth Plagueis 

And she began to read…

Rey smiled slightly.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Excerpt from The Book of the Sith taken from:  
> https://www.academia.edu/25783384/Grand_Book_of_the_Sith


End file.
